“The greatest sound a man can hear is the sound of little feet running to greet him when he puts his key in his lock at night.” Whether or not Ronald Reagan said it exactly this way matters not, because it is a sentiment that I think every dad feels is true. At the time of writing, I have two children and both my birthday and Father’s Day are just around the corner. Both of these days make me happy, but one makes me much happier. Both days cause me to reflect on what I am doing in my life to be a good husband and father in the way I work, play, and worship.
Today there is a trend of vilifying all things masculine as “toxic masculinity.” The initial part of this trend seemed quite good as it called to task those males who viewed women simply as disposable play-things for their own pleasure. But it has turned into a brush so broad that any uniquely masculine trait is labeled as toxic. The result is twofold. On the one hand, we see adults who act almost childish, with no sense of duty, protectiveness, or service of others. On the other hand, we witness those who drive too hard into the traits that should be labeled as toxic masculinity: being quick to anger and fighting, seeking to use and abuse women, and having love for no one but themselves.
All of this sets us up for the question: what’s the right way? I dare say that the opening quote by Reagan points us in the right direction. With little effort we can see a few things in it. He loves his children and he shows it, which is why they are excited to see him. He comes home at night, implying he worked a long day with the intention of providing for his family. Yet, while I may like Reagan’s quote, I love the Scriptures. We learn from different parts of the Bible the meaning of being a father and a mature man, and how different that looks to the toxic males who tear down and destroy relationships, and the childish ones who never mature beyond self-centeredness.
Proverbs and Paul
The book of Proverbs is wisdom literature directed from father to son, with a final word from his mother in Proverbs 31. Over and again we see the words “my son” preceding a plea to listen and take to heart the wisdom of the father. Warnings to avoid sinners who will try to drag him into sin (1:10, 15), warnings about drunkenness and meaningless sex (5:20; 7). The father urges his son to honesty in his dealings and repentance when he makes mistakes (Prov. 6). He calls him to seek justice and hold the guilty to account (17:15).
We see in these few examples, and in many I didn’t include, the importance of a father being wise in the practical knowledge of the LORD. A father is to guide and teach his sons to grow into mature men, faithful and wise. And a wise father doesn’t do this on his own, as we see in the final chapter of Proverbs when the mother speaks about finding a good wife. This is not just because she wants a good match for her son, but because one day, the son who received the wisdom from his father and mother is meant to be the one passing it on to his son alongside his good wife.
What else can be said from Scripture about being a man and being a father? Not every man will have children. What about them? The apostle Paul never married nor had children of his own, but he certainly loves like father. He calls Timothy his "child" and does what the father in Proverbs did. He wrote to Timothy and encouraged wisdom, faithfulness, and boldness in the work Paul raised him to do. Second Timothy 3-4 is loaded with similar wisdom the father gives to that in Proverbs. In 2 Timothy 3:1-9, Paul tells of the troubles coming: “For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God . . . . those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at the knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim. 3:2-4, 6-7).
This list seems to capture elements of both those who refuse to have anything to do with masculinity and those who confuse masculinity with chest-thumping and saber-rattling. Paul does not just stop at naming what to avoid; at several places throughout this letter he encourages Timothy to righteousness.
- 2:15 – present yourself as an approved workman
- 2:22 – flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace
- 3:10 – follow my conduct
- 4:1-2, 5 – preach the Word, reprove, rebuke, exhort . . . be sober minded, endure suffering, evangelize, and fulfill your ministry
Paul, as a father figure to Timothy, encourages him, loves him, and wants Timothy to be a faithful servant even in hard times and persecution. Paul sets that example by writing this very letter from prison. Fatherhood is not just for those who share DNA, but for any man who can love someone with Godly wisdom and example.
Fatherhood is not just for those who share DNA, but for any man who can love someone with Godly wisdom and example.
This is a high bar, isn’t it? I have certainly gone to bed knowing I’ve failed as a father, but this is not dependent solely on what I do. It is the Holy Spirit working in me as a father that makes the difference. More than that, I can look to God as Father because by Christ’s death and resurrection we’ve been given the “Spirit of adoption as sons” and “the Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him” (Rom. 8:15b-17).
There is nothing on this earth a father can do that is worth anything without the Spirit being at work in him. We can only be good fathers if we are in Christ, and willing to do the hard work of suffering for Christ. What suffering looks like specifically for each man I cannot say, but if we look to what Christ did, and what Paul calls Timothy to join him in, it becomes clearer. The suffering we should expect to endure is in the work of leading others to Christ. In the context of being a father it means daily dying to yourself and stepping up to your first and nearest ministry, your family. Do everything you can by the grace of God to lead your children and wife in wisdom and example to God. Because while Reagan rightly saw the joy of being loved by your children, that is nothing compared to what John says in 3 John 4. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”